suffering in scilence.. starting now...
2003-07-06 | 10:22 p.m.

ok, those 2 songs i jus posted are the essence of me right now.. today has sucked and im not sure why.. im purdy well packed for MI.. woohoo.. dad didnt utter a solitary word or come w/ in 20 feet of me.. no change there.. he bought matt a brand new four-wheeler.. and last year he got a go-cart.. dirty bastard..

hahahaha roger came up to me today and was like "so how you doing??" i was like "uhh ok?" and hes like "so you doing good?" and i was like "yup!" i dunno if he thinks i heeded his advice BUT i didnt.. im carrying the dead ox folks...

i know im gonna miss carlo b/c hes a goober BUT i cant FUCKING wait until he leaves.. i know i sound selfish BUT im getting fucking jealous.. i swear that charlie should jus date him.. he does everything to empress the *mighty carlo* BUT he doesnt notice.. last night they went clubbin.. until i really thought about it i didnt really care.. BUT then i remembered that charlie dont like to dance.. and there is no way that the three of them could get alcohol at champions.. plus im purdy sure that its chem-free.. carlo is single and *tyler* (the ass) is a pimp.. the only real reason i can think that they went was to meet girls..

charlie called me at 6, we talked for like 10 mins.. maybe 15.. he was paying NO attention to me.. and he didnt say a DAMN WORD about last night which makes me wonder even more... he "had to go b/c they were taking tyler back to bethel and he'd call me if he got home before 9", well, to say the least i didnt get a call.. NO SURPRISE THERE! he was bugging me for merchants # the whole time.. and its starting to piss me off.. merch was trying to comfort me, a thing that charlie didnt do... merch is like my BROTHER.. we PROTECT each other and get absolutly PISSED if someone double-crosses the other or treats em like shit.. its our nature but charlie's all "oo he threatened me.. and its the 2nd time" the first time he didnt say a damn word BUT now that *carlo* is down there he's totally blown it out of proportion.. if he does something and i find out, i will be pissed beyond words.. not only is charlie messing w/ my brother BUT hes disrespecting me b/c he knows i dont want him to do nething.. and if merch gets mad at me b/c of this... OMFW..

i dunno, honestly.. i jus wish he'd treat me like his girlfriend.. not like some mild aquantance.. he's always talking about this girl and that, how much he's drank, how much he's drinking, how much he's going to drink... and carlo is sitting RIGHT there.. i frankly dont give a shit.. i dunno if he likes making me jealous or what.. i mean as if it isnt bad enuff that he "fooled around" w/ some chick he dont regret it.. moves around fast to me.. nor do i care about how much he drinks.. that deff dont impress me... at all.. im like the side-show to his party-life.. he told me the other day that he thinks im only going back out w/ him to "fuck wit his lil head and dump him in a few months".. he told me i couldnt get mad about it tho.. and im not.. jus sad that he'd think that.. i honestly think its the other way around... he says he loves me, but he has an odd way of showing it.. im leaving day after tomorrow and im sure that ill hardly get to talk to him.. and that he'll live the life of a single man when im gone.. and ill never know.. im jus like the lines in the santana song (why dont you & i)

"And slowly I begin to realize this is never going to end

Right about the same you walk by

And I say 'Oh here we go again'

When's this ever going to break?

I think I've handled more than any man can take

I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around"

i jus wish things could change and change for the good for once.. sometimes i feel like im only there for him to make-out w/.. like at fireworks he was checking out other girls when he was standing for that 15 mins.. makes my low-self-confidence SOAR to lower lows...

well neways, im completely pooped SO ima go to beddy.. *HOPEFULLY* tomorrow will be better b/c if i get to talk to him.. well i still didnt talk to him about the depressed/drinking thing... so i prolly wont about this... *sigh* i wish i could say everything that was on my mind everytime i thought it instead of saying only the stuff that makes me look stoopid... maybe he'll read this.. BUT IT'LL PISS HIM OFF *im sure* so ill prolly regret writing this.. *more evilness*... i jus love him so much and it BUGS me when he says he loves me more... b/c.. he dont! there is NO possible way that he can b/c i swear that even if he did realize he was hurting me he wouldnt change anything... i think i was too much of a bitch the first time we went out so im going to have to suffer in scilence.. *sigh*.. starting now...
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