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shitty shitty shitty
2003-08-05 | 10:49 p.m. werd yo! im alone and im not quite sure what to do w/ myself.. i mean not REALLY alone b/c my parents are home (that rules out masterbating lol j/p j/p).. no one online is talking to me EXCEPT sara who i believe is playing mad-libs w/ her brother taylor.. he is such a cutie! and so 9 years old!! and shes 12.. i feel mature lol... i wish i could be younger again!! *sigh* the olden days... actually, i moved out when i was umm 11?? i turned 12 2 months later?? way to be me! it doesnt seem like its been 4 years BUT it so has been.. woohoo.. and faghole keeps asking me if i "want to come back home"? wtf is he talking about?? this is technicall my home i guess, and (since my aunt doesnt read this i PRAY lol) i dont feel at home here.. i feel like a nucence and a bother.. she always gets all teary when i say this and she always says "i try my best to show you i love you..." ok, im not the kind of person to tell my family i love them.. only my sister and thats b/c i never see her... i dont know, its not that i dont trust them.. or not love them.. i jus dont say it.. i say it to my friends but thats b/c my friends are.. my family?? i tell them everything.. we relate?? me n my fam? we dont have that... if you do, well all the power to you, my family sucks.. 1/2 of us do not get along.. and we never see the other 1/2... (yah, 4th grade since ive seen my dad's fam W/ the exception of the ones i saw at funtown for 20 mins in 8th grade.. way to be.. me n my cuzies send school/grad pics (in their cases) except nick... i dunno why.. after molly died i tried getting him b/c i was upset too and i could SOMEWHAT under stand what he was going thru.. but he never responded and we still havnt talked.. makes me sad.. i have basically had to raise myself, and to be honest and a bit cocky for a sec, i think ive done a damn good job lol. im still insecure and im still a lil nieve BUT im getting there.. the only problem w/ my family, including my brother and sister, is that they were raised w/ parents.. and family members showing them consistant love.. well i had that for a while.. and then well shit happens.. 1st mom got cancer and we were put on a back burner in a way... me being little (3 or 4) things were kept from me.. and then she died.. and well i wasnt w/ her as much as i wish i had been.. and then my brother graduated and went to college.. we moved to harrison.. jess moved out.. it was jus me n dad.. he spent all his extra time w/ me WHICH wasnt much b/c of church n bull shit, work.. so i was either at my grandparents or my neighbors (now my step-cousins) then, 3 years after my mom died my dad met lynn.. they had their first date on valentines day i believe.. and got married july 3rd.. i was SOOOOOOOO freaking excited at first.. i GOT a NEW MOM!! and then well.... things werent so good.. i dunno why... and after 2 years of SHIT.. (ive got scars, lead under my skin and back problems.. and a hatred that runs PURDY deep lol) i moved out.. and for a while, say the first year?? my dad tried to keep a good relationship w/ me.. and it declined.. i mean yah id have problems trying to sneak around to keep in touch w/ some one too BUT a lil effort?? im his ONLY blood daughter.. we havnt talked in a while.. he said he'd call me and he hasnt (no surprise there!) ppl are always saying how I should be the one to take the mature stance in the matter and tell him things.. they so totally dont know my dad.. 1) he goes to a united penticostal church (apostolic) and the have THE strictest rules.. no pants, no makeup, no piercings, cant cut hair, cant wear jewlery, cant swear, no skirts shorter than knee length, same w/ slits, shirts must have necks no lower than 3 fingers.. i could go on and on... its a BIG part of the church that MEN ARE SUPERIOR TO WOMEN and the kids MUST obey their parents or they sin.. so im at a double disdvantage...2) my dad is a reynolds which makes him stubborn.. im a reynolds too lol.. 3) we both have reddish hair.. mine WAY MORE SO.. irish/redhead temper... im an angry drunk! lol... so we arent easy to get along w/ and we never back down.. which causes problems.. o well, i have 2 months and 23 days and im 16.. and then my dad can KISS MY WHITE FRECKLED ASS!! lol.... i still wish things.. i wish i knew why i have to go thru this SHIT, i wish i knew why my mom had to die.. why couldnt it have been me?? why no one has told me what she died from.. why my dad cant act like a father.. why my friends dont understand and dont try to.. why ppl are always so eager to use me.. why i have no one except my teddy to tell all my problems to.. why i always like guys that are out of my league... why guys treat me like shit?? omg.. im not even going to get INTO the guy thing.. i dont have the energy... im going to bed lol.. :.+*muah*+.: *smiles thru my tears* i love you!
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