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does he exist??
2003-08-10 | 11:04 p.m. werd, i dunno how long i have on the computer before my aunt yells at me.. o well ill wait and see i guess? right now im drinkin my 3rd sunkist and talkin to jake and mikey.. more so jake than mike WHICH is weird b/c well me n mike are better friends... weird.. and jake actually talked to me first.. well, i asked him about the mall.. and he left for a while, came back and said hi... *hummmmm* yeap!!! werd yo! we goin to the mall on sat yall... me n shebah at least.. i dunno who all else.. naomi and michelle cant.. mike isnt sure b/c he might have a football scrimage.. jake isnt sure b/c he has to work.. im not even going to bother asking dustin.. i havnt talked to zach... o well, at least me n shebah... whoot whoot.. im SO 'SITED! aww poor jake... he kept getting disconnected.. and now hes gone b/c he has to get up early.. i dunno where shebah is.. she isnt on... i feel soooo bad for her... she thinks shes gone into her n zippers relationship too fast.. and she still has feelins for kevin.. and she asked me what to do.. i told her to tell caleb about her feelings w/ kevin.. so she was being honest.. but i dunno what else?? and thats what i told her.. i dont know kevin.. i know caleb is absolutely smitten w/ her.. but still, you cant change who you love... i will always have a little love for charlie in there some where.. and im still in love w/ him.. but its beginning to fade.. and that makes it hurt worse.. i realized, when i was on the phone w/ bolstridge, that the marilyn manson concert, that i would DIE to go see, is on saturday in portland... and im going to be in portland on saturday... i dont know what to think/feel about this.. part of me is DYING to see him.. and part of me would die if i did.. im beginning to accept that things are never going to be the same, no matter how much he says he wants to change things... talking about it doesnt get the job done.. if things are going to change you need to take ACTION.. like i told my Shebah, i love him, there will always be a little piece of me labled charlie b/c i think he is the first one ive actually loved.. which makes things hurt worse.. things are diff.. and i dont want to feed those feelings b/c im gonna get let down again.. and after a while, well put it this way, i dunno how much more i can take.. im not really interested in having a "relationship" w/ anyone ELSE at the moment (not like i have choices anyways) but i dont really have a relationship with him anymore.. he doesnt seem to want one.. we'll talk every once in a while, he'll say somethings, make an effort.. for that day, or for 2.. or for a week.. but after that? nothing for a while... i am so getting played.. i jus cant come to grips w/ it i guess.. i dont want to believe it.. i want things to be like they were in may.. but who am i kidding?? they never will be.. well, i guess i tried... i dont know what i could have done differently...unzipped my pants?? well tough luck there buddy.. im not the party/bad ass girl he needs.. or thinks he needs.. how do you know what you need? me and charlie are so diff but when im with him i feel complete.. does mr.perfect exist?? i mean, you might find him but you might not be mrs.right... he might "need" something else.. but does he really need it?? or is it jus the one barrier that will keep you apart.. i guess i believe that there is only one perfect person for everyone out there.. how do you know when you meet him?? or her?? how many times, prolly more often than not, do we over look them.. and miss the oppurtunity all together?? sad isnt it?? well, this deep thinking has fried my brain and left me a wreck.. mentally and emotionally lol.. so im gonna go to bed.. see what i can dream up.. until tomorrow |