MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!
08.16.03 | 10:13 pm

OMG, firstly, im getting so fucking SICK of my cat.. the past like WEEK he's been in here sleeping on the computer desk while im in here... only at night and only when im on the computer.. when im not he's in my aunts bedroom window.. tonight, after WASHING the desk (tomorrow i have to wash the printer/keyboard covers...) as every thing was covered in long, black cat hairs and flea remains... not only did that gross me out/piss me off.. but the fact that he gets up here, weezes and snores, scratches fleas, takes baths, helps type (and damn it, he cant spell).. i got sick of it all together.. i come in here and talk to my friends and be alone in a sence.. but w/ him in here.. its annoying.. so.. he's come in twice and looked longingly up at the desk.. went under is several times.. got kicked out.. came in AGAIN so i brought him downstairs.. as soon as i got back and sat down, the bastard was back.. so i kicked him out and SHUT the door... and now its like 125 degrees i swear... im roasting.. and eating

yah, what else is new?? i always eat when im on here...and i get pissed b/c im fat.. and then everyone gets pissed when i say im fat b/c "im tiny"... BULLLLL SHHHIT... i am NOT.. yah i weigh between 110 and 120.. and im like 5'5"... my stomache/ass/legs have ALL the flab.. my arms are basic toothpicks.. ive got kankles.. fat thighs.. baby pudge.. an ass that for some reason seems to be public grazing property.. guy's hands seem to mysterisouly rest on my luxerious acres of bum on unnecessary/random points in time.. some one, explain the turn on here.. yah, wow youve got your hand on my ass! you know your body parts!! i know it sticks out... flattening it w/ your hand will do no good.. trust me, sitting doesnt do anything either.. when we're kissing, why cant the hands be on my waist or back or something other than umm personal property?? i dont exactly enjoy them sneaking down OR up.. especially up.. but i can prevent that by my arm on your neck.. but my tush?? its out there, in the open, unprotected.. and itd be a leeeeeeetle obvious if i covered it.... b/c id need both arms.. and a very large something... so neways lol... yah.. i need to do some serious something to get a shape.. a good shape.. plastic surgury? nooo i dont have the money.. so ill jus have to continue in my weird, apeish way of look... *sigh*

i dont understand how some ppl can look so perfect.. HOW THE HELL?? ppl say that ugly ppl make cute babys... that SO didnt work in my case.. lol j/k.. my mom was actually pretty when she was younger.. her senior picture is on the piano in the parlor.. we have 3? pics of her.. or 4? her senior pic, her n my aunt, nana n gramps at nana n gramps' 50 anniversary? the "family portrait" of me n her n dad n darrin n jess.. i hate that pic.. we all look so happy.. and like a family.. and now its shattered.. the family i mean, not the pic.. and umm her n my aunt some time.. i dunno when..

*..In our family portrait

We look pretty happy

Letīs play pretend, letīs act like it

Comes naturally..*

that part of P!NK's family portrait... that part reminds me of.. me.. when i heard that song for the first time, i can remember crying.. sometimes, i jus stand in my livingroom and stare at that picture... there we are.. all of us together.. me n dad... jess n darrin... MOM... and i realize never ever ever will there be another picture taken like that... jess has sam.. dad has lynn n matt n kelly n ken.. darrin has jamie n isaiah.. and i have.. no one..

i used to not be able to wait until i could bring my boyfriend home for christmas.. or some meal w/ the whole family.. like darrin n jess did.. and i never will.. darrin is over protective so im afraid that if i DO ever find some one i like enough to bring to christmas, darrin would scare him off... jess is a little over a thousand miles away.. dad, well, we havnt done anything for a year or 2.. 2?? you'd think that losing my mom, b/c you know, they were married and i THOUGHT that he loved her, that he'd want to spend time w/ his kids b/c its a hard time of year.. at least for me.. maybe im the only one still.. whats the word?? not over it enough not to cry.. not only does he blow it off and make it seem like its jus christmas, the normal doot doot doot of a holiday.. that his wife died 4 days after.. his fucking little wifey likes to make it as difficult as possible.. i look forward to the normal hustle and bustle and bitching of christmas time.. im lucky if i even get a phone call on christmas from him.. and when i do, its basically jus to see what i got, thanks for the presents i gave em, ttyl... this year, i didnt even get a call.. my sister calls and we blab about this n that (never mom tho).. me n darrin watch basketball.. aunt jane will make a comment "Christmas was always your mothers favorite holiday".. and that will be that..

maybe its a good thing that we dont talk about it.. b/c well at least i cry.. n my aunt.. and i hate it when my family cries.. but in grief counceling, that i went to 2 years ago, they said that talking about it was part of the healing process.. but what do they know b/c that whole program did jack-squat for me.. w/e ppl.. and w/ the whole "finding-someone-i-like-enough thing.. 1stly, i havnt found a guy that im not embarrassed to bring home b/c my family wont approve, or a guy that ummm i like enought.. i mean yah, i thot i was in love w/ ben... and my family LOVED him.. but now that we're broken up.. christmas would have sucked more than usual.. i guess that i could have stayed w/ him and made my family happy.. but arent i supposed to like my boyfriend.. if hes MY boyfriend?? and to me, Christmas is hard.. i try to busy myself w/ friends n family n tv n stuff in hopes that i wont have to reflect on christmas' past.. b/c so many of them arent any fun at all..

i hate the whole time of year.. the atmosphere.. everyone so happy.. how can they be?? i sound like scrooge i guess but, tough!! my aunt says that my mom would be sad if she knew i didnt enjoy christmas.. but.. thats when all the memories come back.. so, so unwantedly.. and i have no place to share/vent... my friends are too happy, to preoccupied like they should be.. my family is the same.. all invloved w/ their lil familys.. my gramp sleeps after breakfast.. my aunt makes a meal.. i sit and mope.. and wait for the day that i too will have something/someone important that i can cherish and enjoy the holidays w/.. some one i can reflect with and not feel like an idiot crying infront of.. that will be the day.. that im sure will never happen..

GRRRRRRR... why do i do this to myself?? i had a million funny things i wanted to write about from babysitting cameron today.. but instead, i do this.. conjour up shitty memorys and make myself depressed.. WHAT IS MY DEAL?? well, maybe ill write about today, tomorrow.. im gettin a headache.. and i need to blow my nose b/c its running like a refridgerator lol..

until tomorrow..

:.+*muah*+.:
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